Status: From ER

I just woke up from a bad sleep. Bad meaning, the weather was too hot, and it was the shallow kind that only lasted 2 measly hours. I was not refreshed at all, considering I was dead tired from working at the emergency room. And it's so important for me to time my sleep properly because I don't have much time scheduled for rest. Normally it would be easier to just go into a grumpy mode and rant about how unfair life can be and all that. Internship takes so much of you -- it makes you want to scream out loud in frustration and fatigue or just simply give up because you're like a candle that's wasting away in the thick, dark dreary world of sickness and yes, death. And you feel that that small emanating light coming from you just doesn't make a difference. And then you'd doubt your destiny and realize that the world doesn't need you and you don't need this. Right now, it takes tremendous effort to stop feeling that way.

My friend Mij said that the only way to cope with this new way of life is to realize that it is now your normal way of life. My friend RJ calls it being "in the zone", yung hindi mo tinotoxic yung sarili mo when you're placed in an inherently toxic situation. And it's true. Ordinary to me now means dealing with a person who is caught between life and death. Or having to prick someone's arm 5 times to get to the right vein. Or getting bawled at by a husband who's wife is dying of cancer. Or having to touch someone's urine or feces or blood, not knowing what interesting organisms reside in them.Or getting the third degree from a doctor who thinks you're the stupidest animal alive. Or being denied the most basic of needs like weekends off, a bath, sleep or the chance to see how the outside world looks like during the day. I'm starting to feel like the adjustment phase is drawing to a close and in a matter of months, I'm so different from the person I was before -- more mature, more selfless, and ironically, happier than ever. It feels like some journey in which you're just excited about the flowers that you smell along the way and the destination that seems so far off is just some uninteresting little blur. God, I honestly love my life right now. I wouldn't have it any other way.